Your current life and current challenges make perfect sense. Had anyone lived through what you have lived trough they would likely be exactly where you are.
One of the first steps to healing and living your best life is self compassion and self acceptance. Sometimes we need a little help to get us to where we want to be. Getting help may mean someone opening the curtain on a blind spot, or someone holding space for you to connect with your inner child. Sometimes it means slowing down and taking a hard real look at what is getting in the way and what can be done differently. Whatever it means to you, stand tall in your shoes knowing that change is possible...one step at a time, one breath at a time and sometimes, with a little support from someone else.